My body has been fighting battles for several years now and the scars from those battles are tender.

It’s evident in the size of my waistband—yes, birthing children had something to do with that.

It’s evident in the color of my hair. Can I blame that on my kids, too?

It’s evident in how I’ve become more withdrawn. 2020 didn’t help. I’ve always been quiet, but when I’m in pain or discomfort, or when the fatigue is intense, withdrawal is my comfort.

It’s evident in the days that I battle brain fog, with the long lapses between the dates of my journal entries.

But God is good. Always has been. Always will be.

Two and a half months ago, a victory in this battle took place when the doctors at Mayo Clinic placed a CRT-D (nicknamed “Pete”) in my chest that would begin the healing of my uncoordinated heart.

Healing has begun:

• My waistline won’t magically decrease (maybe it never will) but now I have the energy to work on this myself. Before my surgery, I could barely make it around my house without getting winded. Now I’m able to walk around the block each day, and sometimes twice around the block! I can bend down to tie my shoes without getting lightheaded.

• My gray hair is here to stay and I’m okay with that!

• I know what to expect when the pain and discomfort return—because it will. We are not promised a life free from pain. When the pain comes, it’s okay to withdraw at first, to find comfort in the quiet but I need to remember to let people in and ask them for help.

• When the brain fog hits again, grab the journal and write down a few things that you are grateful for that day. Maybe that small act of putting pen to paper will turn into more words.

Yesterday, Beth Moore posted a video on her Instagram and it struck a chord with me. She said,

What if God knew what He was doing? What if in all these things that have happened, the upheavel, all the changes…in all the things…what if God was getting you ready to bear more fruit? What if He knows what He’s doing?

The several years of fighting this battle? What if God knew what He was doing?

The four children I’ve birthed that forever changed my waistline and my hair color? What if God knew what He was doing?

The fact that I’m quiet-natured? What if God knew what He was doing?

Two autoimmune diseases and an uncoordinated heart? What if God knew what He was doing?

I know He knows what He’s doing and when I doubt, He knows then, too.

Friend, thank you for allowing me to process these thoughts with you, and thank you for sticking with me all these years.

Be encouraged. Healing is slow, and God definitely knows what He’s doing.

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