😘 I'll Come Up With a Better Title Tomorrow
The one where I apologize for 740 days of silence
It has been 740 days since my last update. Geez, I’m sorry. Thanks for sticking around, friends.
I’ll do my best recap.
A month after I last wrote you on September 7, 2022, Gunnar moved to Asheville, NC to be near my parents, to help out when needed. Two months later, I went down for a visit and didn’t come back to live in Lemont until four months ago.
My dad’s Alzheimer’s had decreased his ability to do many things on his own, which in turn increased my mom’s workload. They needed more than just an occasional check-in.
Then, sometime in March, 2023 my mom had a stroke. It wasn’t severe because we couldn’t even pinpoint the moment it happened, but over the course of a few weeks, her mental capacities started to decline and it became apparent she needed full-time supervision as well.
In June, 2023 we moved them from their one-bedroom apartment to live with us in Asheville. (If you recall, we bought their Asheville house back in 2018 so they could downsize, and we could remodel it and use it for our family and friends when we would come to Asheville.)
Gunnar, my mom, my dad, and myself were roommates. A few months later, my nephew, Dakota, moved in as well.
It took the three of us to care for them.
And for one year, we managed their care the best we knew how. We learned SO MUCH about dementia, being full-time caregivers, medications, the best adult diapers (we called them pull-ups), the best laundry care for urine soaked sheets…you get the point. We were ALL IN. (see more: #roommateswithdementia)
Until we were given permission to draw a line in the sand.
We joined a community in Asheville called MemoryCare. They provide treatment and support for individuals affected by dementia and their families. Mom and dad’s care was covered by Medicare but there was a fee for the caregivers, which was 100% worth it.
During one of our meetings with a MemoryCare staff member (mom and dad would meet with them separately) we asked, how do we know when it’s time to get outside help? To move them to a facility that specializes in memory care? Or hire full-time help?
The staff member looked at us and said, “What’s your line in the sand? Every caretaker’s answer for this is different. You need to decide what your line in the sand would be for your family. Also, what’s your backup plan? If something happened to you, who would take care of them?”
Basically, it’s our decision what the line would be between being their family—in our case, daughter & grandsons; and being their caretakers. Our lives were spent being their caretakers 24/7 that it was hard to just be their daughter, to be their grandson.
The three of us talked about it one night after mom and dad went to bed. Our backup plan wasn’t solid because the three of us were already working our butts off. If something happened to one of us, we knew how hard it would be for someone else to step in and the fact was, no one else in our family had the availability at the moment. We also talked about each other’s line in the sand.
A week later, that line was crossed.
The next day, I was on the phone. Two weeks later, we found them a place, only a 30 minute drive away that could take both of them and they could share a room. (Thus began the process to get them approved for Medicaid which would be another thousand word essay that we don’t have time for today. Be thankful for your local social services staff. Their workload is massive.)
Once we knew the right questions and were given permission to ask them, God lined up everything in place for us.
Is it ideal? Yes. And no.
Since the beginning of our marriage, Greg and I talked about how we would want to take care of our parents, not wanting to put them into a care facility.
I believe we honored that commitment. Until we couldn’t.
We didn’t know then how much extra care they would need that we weren’t trained to accomplish. We didn’t know _________.
Now, we can be their family again as we continue to advocate for their care and maintain communication with their care team.
My parents are doing well. They are healthy. They are being taken care of by the best folks I know.
A Quick Family Update
Currently, I split my time between Lemont and Asheville with the majority of my time being spent in Lemont. I’m a self-employed, part-time legal transcriptionist, I still love to read, and I dabble a bit with yarn on occasion. I’m also a dog mom. I “inherited” my parents’ dog, Toyee.
It’s so good to be home with Greg. He continues to work as a commodities broker in Chicago. He loves to drive his ‘91 BMW car on sunny days, tolerates Toyee because he loves me, and could teach a master’s class on bourbon tasting.
Eden’s a senior in high school (how is that possible??) working at a pumpkin farm on the weekends, a member of a local show choir, and currently the stage manager of the high school fall play.
Stone is in his second year at Roosevelt University’s Chicago College of Performing Arts pursuing a BFA in Musical Theater.
Tygar graduated in May from Concordia University with a Bachelor’s degree in kinesiology and exercise science. He works full-time as a strength and conditioning coach at Spear.
Gunnar still lives in Asheville, splitting time between working at a restaurant and as a semi-pro eSports player.
And we can’t forget Dakota! As his aunt, I’m so proud of him and we would not have survived without his help. He’s still in Asheville, too, and working towards a management position at Chick-Fil-A.
I’m overwhelmed with gratefulness for my family. They all supported the decision for me to be in Asheville to take care of my parents and made massive sacrifices for each other to make it happen.
More to come soon!
p.s. If you know my parents and would like to send them a card, send me a message by clicking the button below and I’ll send you their address. They may not remember you, but they love to get mail!
I've been wanting to text you for WEEKS now! Something (someone?) has been nudging me to see how you're doing and to catch up... It's so great to read this! I miss you.