A New Self-ie

out with the old...

September 29, 2021.

This morning I had a thought that I feel a bit like my old self…so I took a selfie to document the day.

Tears gathered in my eyes as I stared at the picture because what did I see?

Gray hair, fresh out of the shower after swim class, no makeup, cream spread around various parts of my body to help heal some poison ivy (which apparently after 49 years of life on this Earth, I’m allergic to now!), sitting on a towel so I don’t get the cream on my chair.

It brought to mind that there were moments in my health journey the past few years where I was having a hard day—the kind where the only thing I could do was lay in bed, listening to my family do things in various parts of the house. I would say to myself or to Greg, usually with tears in my eyes, “I just want to be like my old self—the Caroline that had energy and could be present with her family and friends.”

But I also realized that the tears aren’t because I’m sad.

They are tears of growth. Tears of strength. Tears of endurance. Tears of answered prayers (by so many of you!) Tears of remembering the good, bad, and ugly.

Tears of actually realizing that I haven’t spent the past seven months looking for my old self. I’ve been transforming into my new self.

Old self, meet the new Caroline.

She’s beautiful, strong, and fighting a poison ivy rash, but she is so much better than before! She’ll be here for a bit, but not for long. She’ll continue to transform as she learns and grows in the seasons of her life.

Hard days will come again but I hope to remember what I’ve learned today. If I don’t, please remind me!

If you find yourself yearning for your old self, remember: healing is slow, you are not alone, and you may find your new self surprising you one day!